.... And What They Really Mean
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1.
“hey”:
“I’m trying to be as casual as possible, so casual that I
can’t even be bothered to put a capital letter on my word (although the phone
automatically capitalizes, so I had to go out of my way to look casual).”
2.
“hi”:
“Something is terribly wrong.”
3. “heyyyyy”:
“I’m drunk, and am either about to say something too
emotional or send you a blurry picture of me naked.”
4.
“I’m actually really focused on work right now”:
“There is no good way to say that this is not going well,
so I’m just going to pretend to be suddenly really interested in my job.”
5.
“;)”:
“Too DTF to function.”
6.
“Having trouble finding the place?”:
“You’re late and I am fantasizing about throwing a glass
of water in your face when you arrive.”
7.
“Heyyyy, I’m SO sorry I can’t make it tonight — work was totally crazy and I’m
staying late. Is there any way we could raincheck that drink?”:
“I know we haven’t actually met yet, but the potential
dangers of dating a random who hit me up on the internet are just dawning on
me. I need another night to go reconsider your profile in-depth and try to find
your Facebook.”
8.
“k.”:
“You’ve actually done something to piss me off in the
past few days but we’re not close enough that we
can discuss this without having Our First Fight so I’m just going to be passive
aggressive until you drop it.”
9.
“There’s actually this really cute cocktail bar near my place.”:
“I’m into you, but I’m not go across
the city into you. I want to be exactly 200 feet from my
apartment if I have to make a quick exit.”
10.
“I can’t stop thinking about last night ;).”:
“It’s 11:30 AM and I am bored at work so I’m trying to lowkey initiate sexting.”
11.
“Good morning, beautiful.”:
“We have been dating for precisely 5.5 weeks, time to
break out the big guns.”
12.
“I had such an amazing time tonight. You are really great.”:
“I am WAY too shy to say these things to your face, so I
prefer texting them to you 30 seconds after we part ways.”
13.
“I think I’m just gonna stay in tonight.”:
“I look like a hot, hot mess and don’t have time to go
home and change, so you’re not getting anywhere near me tonight.”
14.
“I should be there in 15!”:
“I just left, will be there in 30 minutes, but now I only
have to apologize for being 15 minutes late and therefore seem like less of an
ass.”
15.
“Your roommate seems really nice.”:
“…But next time I would like him to not be moving in and
out of the living room while we’re trying to cuddle in front of a movie.”
16.
“Yeah my day was ok. Work kinda sucked but now I’m watching Netflix, so no
biggie”:
“ASK ME WHY WORK SUCKED”
17.
“You know you’re gorgeous.”:
“I want to give you a compliment, but also don’t want to
seem too pressed, so I’m gonna take the casual, sexy, roundabout road to the
compliment.”
18.
“Talk to you tomorrow :)”:
“I want my goddamn ‘good morning, beautiful’ text
message.”
19.
“K, bye.”:
“Ya dun goofed.”
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